C3PO Comes Clean

17 11 2009

This is an article I found on the Internet… I know how wild “the Internet” it’s an old one but funny enough. Featured on Cracked.com Someone (Steve Kiley) out there in the far off time of 2005 (December 15th) decided he would write an homoerotic fantasy of the supposed homosexual exploits of C-3PO from a first person point of view. Yet another chapter in the Gay Golden Robot theory out there… also a Freudian field day with the author. It was an entertaining read though so without further ado; I present to you:

C3PO Comes Clean

I must say that the impending destruction of the Death Star is a bit troubling. Sure, from the outside it is an architectural monstrosity, but the interior is quite elegantly designed. The window treatments in the Vader suite are simply breathtaking!

I’m such a bitch, I can’t believe I told you I’ve been to the Vader suite! OK, well if you must know, before all this war craziness started again, Lord Vader and I were almost an item. It was back when the Dark Side was at its peak and he held a little cocktail party. Everybody was there: Boba Fett, Jabba the Hutt, Ula the Dancing Girl-you name ’em!

After a couple of white wine spritzers, Vader was all over me. A bit of a lightweight with the booze, between you and I. The things he said to me that night…

“C-3PO, I hear that gold is a very pliable metal.”

“You, me, a bottle of Dom and lot of WD-40. We’ll put on a little Neal Diamond and I’ll let you wear my cape.”

“I hope one of the six million languages you speak is a naughty one.”

All with that heavy breathing. I nearly blew a fuse.

Our little affair never happened. Vader switched to Scotch and started his ventriloquist choking act. He killed eight storm troopers that night. Such a diva.

The next few weeks he acted all butch so that everyone would forget what a slut he was at the party. Everywhere I went, he mocked the way I walked. Every time I entered a room, he would announce the presence of the “resident golden queer.”

When the chance came to hitch a ride off that negativity train with the adorable Leia, I jumped on it. Leia is a good person. That being said, her choice of wardrobe and hairstyle is fucking ridiculous.

The ride off of the ship was a pleasant one, as the lovely R2D2 was at my side. For all of his annoying ‘bleeps’ and ‘bloops’ and his insistence that robots with wheels have no sexual preference, that little guy is the perfect height for a vigorous face fucking!

Little did I know, my travels would soon connect me with the gorgeous Luke Skywalker. I think I am in love. I have had a tough time letting my guard down after the Vader fiasco. The good news with Luke is that judging from his attire, feathered hair and delicate features, he’ got to be out of the closet.

Many of the fellas coo over that bad boy Hans Solo and say he is queer as a three-dollar galactic credit, but I fear he’ just along for the ride. I see the way he looks at Leia. Plus, his dog Chewbacca is entirely too big for him to be gay.

The gang is sad about the demise of Obi-Wan. Not me. That British queen made more passes at me than Elizabeth II around the moors. I needed a few days and a good welder after one weekend on the same ship with him.

The thing about Jedis is that they’ll fuck anything. And let’ face facts, a Jedi can claim he’ straight, or has sworn an oath to this or that, but it’ all a front. There was that scandal with the
little boys all those years back-some say that is why young Anakin turned into such a bitch in his teens. God only knows what Obi Wan did to him on all those long journeys to the Degoba System.

Let’ just say I’ve been servant to some of the greatest Jedis and there’ a reason why I walk so
funny today.

Tomorrow is the big day. Luke and the gang will fly off to destroy the evil, but smartly decorated Death Star. I wish them well. Their plan looks so complicated. They need to penetrate the exterior of the well-mounded evil orb. Then they have to forge ahead until the see the gaping hole. One good shot right up the hole and into a long canal will make that ship explode with delight”¦ er, I mean blow it to bits.

I just know that Young Skywalker can hit that money shot.

If you would like to see the article featured on Cracked.com feel free to check it out here: http://www.cracked.com/article_15030_c3po-comes-clean.html




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: